


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Breakroom

by ritsuko



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Coffee, Comedy, Gen, Pets, Random & Short, Spies & Secret Agents, Vines, Voyeurism, seriously wtf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4970542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ritsuko/pseuds/ritsuko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random shorts involving fuckery in HYDRA. </p><p>They're not always evil goons y'know.</p><p>(or are they?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drugs

"What the fuck is that?"

". . . Drugs?"

"No seriously, what is that?"

Brock looked up from his phone idly. Rollins looked like a caricature, one eye bugged out in confusion. He followed his gaze and snorted.

"Oh her? She's new. Found her on the last mission."

". . . Drugs?"

"But what the hell is it?"

"She, man, she's a she. Don't be rude."

At least Brock thought she was a girl. It was hard to tell, considering all the feathers and the fact that he wasn't going to try and look.

Didn't matter that much anyway.

". . . Drugs?"

"Why the fuck does it keep saying that?"

"What?"

". . . Drugs?"

"Drugs! It just said drugs!"

"I think you're hearing shit."

"Stop fucking with me man! Why is that thing in the breakroom and why is it trying to sell me drugs?!"

"I dunno. Maybe she's asking for some."

Rollins threw his hands up. "It's not gonna use drugs!"

"She man, she's a she. Why is that so hard for you to understand?" 

The other man made a slightly strangled noise in the back of his throat."

". . . Drugs?"

"Oh, Goddamit!" Rollins yelled, storming out of the break room. 

Brock smiled. "I'm beginning to think you're the best thing that ever happened to me." 

". . . Drugs?"

Rumlow chuckled and scratched under that feathered chin. "Yeah, babe, drugs."


	2. Creamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> . . . fucking Barton.

"I saw it."

"Liar."

"Fuck you, asshole, I'm no liar. I saw it and it was as big as a fucking Clydesdale!"

Jack Rollins rolled his eyes. Sure, they'd both been assigned to the STRIKE team under the ruse of being under Steve Rogers' command, but there was no way in hell that Brock Rumlow had actually gotten to see Cap in the buff. There was just no damn way. "I'm pretty damn sure that the Project Rebirth scientists didn't graft a horse cock onto Captain America's groin."

"How the fuck would you know?" Brock stated arrogantly, upending a dubious amount of sugar into his coffee. Not that Jack would ever mention it, Brock took his coffee black, no matter what you saw him put in it, and he'd try to break your arms if you stated otherwise. "It's not like you've seen it."

"You haven't seen it either. I swear to God, Brock. . ." Jack snapped, pulling the creamer out of the fridge and discovering it empty. It had probably been guzzled down by Clint 'I-subsist-on-sugar-and-sarcasm' Barton. Fucking dick. Of course he'd drink it all and not replace it. Who did he think bought this shit, anyways, Fury? A tiny smile wrinkled the corner of his mouth, the thought of Fury in a grocery store, a heaping cart full of coffee creamer, Froot Loops and toilet paper.

He was snapped out of his reverie by Brock's voice. ". . . love it so much, get a room, pervert."

Jack's eyes darted up. "What the fuck?"

Rumlow casually sipped on his definitely-not-full-of-sugar-or-rum coffee. "I know how much you love inanimate objects, but the way you're eying that creamer bottle, your dick is too small." He paused thoughtfully. "Unless it's going up your ass. . ."

"Jesus Christ Brock, are you for fucking real?!" Jack spat, chucking the empty bottle at his head. Brock ducked, laughing. The bottle flew out into the hall and there it almost immediately hit someone with a meaty smack.

Brock and Jack froze.

"Whoever is in the break room has until about the count of three until I come in and remove your arms and beat you to death with them." The voice was calm and even, but still was enough to make Jack's stomach drop.

Both know the sound of Agent Romanoff's voice. Rollins paled. Rumlow grinned, and pointed over his shoulder at the window. "We're only on the twentieth floor. The fall will probably fuck you up less than she will."

Rollins agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out [my tumblr!](http://ritsuko-chan.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> You should probably watch [this for context.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzCyyT7j5Do)


End file.
